the things i wish they'd taught me in liberry school

so, like most liberries, we do tours. and like most liberrians, i loathe the crap out of them. not because the tour itself sucks, that part is fun. especially with the littlies. no, we hate them because the teachers book the tour then don't show the bleep up.

cuz yeah, i have nothing better to do than set up the room, break out the laptop, projector and that cumbersome a$$ed giant white screen, prepare the tour and then wait around for an hour. for nothing.

the worst part is, as nice and sweet and competant as these teachers are, that they NEVER EVER EVER EVER CALL TO TELL US THEY AREN'T COMING. if they'd just call and reschedule i wouldn't even care.

anywho, this tour is 5th graders.

and they showed almost 30 minutes late. and of course they didn't call. nice.

i've got 50 5th graders in the room and they all have billion questions after the "how to search the catalog and place a hold" power point. and since they were 30 minutes late, i'm 30 minutes late for lunch. and of course, i have a lunch date. so, a friend and my husband, who works on commission, are seethingly waiting for me.

and i glance at my notes and realize i haven't gone over the "responsible library card use" schpeal, which the teacher specifically asked for. shyters. so i go into it, as FAST as i possibly can, almost speed talking:

"can you check out books for other people? sure, it's YOUR card. but what if you and your best friend are at the liberry and your best friend says they forgot their card and you check out 15 items for them and on the way home you get into a HUGE fight and your friend says "i freakin hate you" and you say "i freakin hate you to!" and your friend takes all of those books and throws them into the mcdonald's dumpster and then the mcdonald's manager comes out and dumps all their old french fry grease on top and all the books are RUINED. who has to pay for them? you do, it's YOUR card."

and this one 5th grade boy looks up at me, puts his fist in the air and yells:

dude, this library is EXTREME!